Normally I do not share to much of our personal life, but I felt in my heart there are many who can benefit from this reflection.
Our Lady has been calling us to begin working on our hearts again, because she wants to clothe us in her garments. I began searching what this meant for me personally, knowing again that this usually means that I am about to press into another area of a painful wound in my heart.
How heavy is the burden of your cross in this time?
How I have to ask this question. Seems that we have been bearing a lot these days, one thing after another from a family stand point. And it seems to be getting heavier for us. We are just plum tired and I use the words battle fatigued.
I take to prayer to Lord all these matters and it seems no avail the questions I ask the Lord in prayer seem to be unanswered. Until the other day as I lamented in tears with Jesus, just trying to figure out when these crosses will become lighter because the fatigue is wearing on me from day to day.
I felt the Lord speak in my soul these words,
“I am permitting these crosses my love. Bear them with great love and patience. Do not fear. My hand is always ready to support you in your time of need.”
Did He say that He was going to take the cross away? NO! He did not. But I am reminded of the words of our Lady who once said, “give me all your problems and difficulties. Bear your cross with patience. Remember how Jesus suffered patiently for you…”
He said to bear them with great patience and love and further to keep the eyes of my heart on Him. Oh what a heavy sigh I find myself in.
I have been begging the Lord for a retreat of a sort just to be able to get vertical with Him and go into the silence. My idea of a retreat is to get away somewhere in the hidden beauty of God’s creation. I am in the barren desert with no oasis in sight it seems.
The Lord has answered this request in a quite different way than I expected. He led me to St. Faustina’s Diary with the reflection of the first day of a nine day retreat she was about to enter into. It seems my retreat will be entering into her retreat and following her way with the Lord into my heart. which begins with this message:
(Diary 1326-28) “My daughter, this retreat will be an uninterrupted contemplation. I will bring you into this retreat as into a spiritual banquet. Close to my merciful heart, you will meditate upon all the graces your heart has received and a deep peace will accompany your soul. I want the eyes of your soul to be always fixed on my holy will since it is in this way that you please me most. No sacrifice can compare to this. Throughout all the exercises you will remain close to my heart. You shall not undertake any reforms, because I will dispose of your whole life as I see fit…”
I began to bear many thoughts, fears, worries and anxieties of my heart to the Lord to bring them all to the light and entrust them to Him. I do not understand the way He is leading me. Perhaps I will understand when this retreat of my heart concludes, more light will come.
Yet this day on day #2, I found some consolation and a bit of confirmation about the way I am dialoging with the Lord through my prayer journal.
St. Faustina today this second day had an encounter with satan who was howling and screaming because she was writing everything down from the depth of her heart. She said that the powers of darkness have no power over the soul, when the soul entrusts everything to God in this way, and that the devils hate this, as they work in darkness in the depths of the soul to keep it in its misery.
And again I heard the Lord say from the depth of my heart:
“Withhold nothing from Me, no matter the great misery of your soul. Confide all of yourself, and leave everything to me. Contemplate my goodness and glorify my mercy.”
We will see where this journey of the heart leads us. I will share insofar as the Lord permits me to.
“Jesus told his disciples; “If any man would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me…” (Mt. 16:24)